and Breathe, Just Breathe.

I am a person ruled by my emotions. I have always been that way, I don't know how to process otherwise. If I think to much I over analyze and get caught in a cycle of hypothetical situations and conversations. I make decisions based on my "gut-feeling," if I don't feel good about it, then i'm not going to do it. This way of living is both my greatest strength and my biggest weakness. And for the past few weeks, the weakness side of it is showing its colors.

For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me I need to "man up" control my emotions and deal with things head on. I am a sensitive flower, I can't help it. No matter how hard I try or what I tell myself, when the tears start flowing there is no stopping them. I cry for EVERYTHING, happy, sad, angry, hurt, joyful. Crying is how I let my emotions out. This doesn't work for everybody, and not everybody understands it, but I do. I know this about myself, so when I feel myself getting to worked up I need to take a step back and breathe. I need to walk away, hang up, whatever the case may be, compose myself and then come back to have a conversation. I don't like arguing, I don't like yelling that only makes me feel worse. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotionally charged, it annoys most people, they see it as only a weakness. I am NOT weak. Just because I cry doesn't make me weak, I am probably stronger than most, because I can recognize my emotions, I can name them, I know what each individual emotion feels like. Because of that, I know how to process and deal with all of life's obstacles good, bad and indifferent, thats how being emotional is my greatest strength.

Another thing that I have been dealing with these last few weeks is expectations. I set high expectations for people that almost never get met, something that I have been doing for a long time. I expect people to understand my emotions, or I expect people to do things because I do them. I am a servant leader, I enjoy serving others, making sure that they have everything that they need to make them content, that is how I feel fulfilled. On the flip-side I expect the same amount of service for me. That is something that i've been struggling with for years now. I have so much faith in people, so much hope that they can recognize my needs or wants and act on it without being asked, because I can so easily recognize others' needs and wants. When people don't act quickly enough or don't follow through with something, I get disappointed, I take it to heart (back to being a sensitive flower). I often feel like I set myself up for disappoint, yet I never learn my lesson. I hope that one of these days it will sink in that treating people one way and constantly going out of my way for people doesn't guarantee that they'll do the same for me, but that it doesn't take away from the fact that they love and care about me.

Reading this makes me feel so self-centered like nobody can do anything that will please me, when in actuality it is so far from that. It is so simple to make me happy, it is the smallest and simplest gestures like getting a letter in the mail that make me the happiest. It's the mundane, no big deal, matter of fact things that bring me the most joy and excitement. I can't expect everybody to understand this, nor should I expect it. But I do, and i'm trying really hard to change my way of thinking so that I stop getting hurt, yet at the same time i hold on to the hope that maybe one day, I won't have a reason to be hurt.

learning to be yourself...

Today is a momentous occasion, that it marks exactly 4 months since I arrived here in Cape May. When looking back at these last 4 months I am trying to summarize my feelings and what I have learned. Today there seems to be a theme that no matter what, we need to be ourselves. You cannot fully live life until you fully understand who you are, however there is a catch: we'll never fully know who we are because we are constantly changing.

I have asked myself more than a few times in the last 4 months, what am I doing here? I don't really know why I have been called here, I don't know if i'll know the answer to that question in the next 6 months, or if i'll ever really know. But what I do know is that I am supposed to be here. This is who I am. One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Across the Universe" and it says "who you are defines what you do." I am a LIFE leader, I have been since 2005 and I always feel so comfortable being who I am truly when leading retreats, and surrounding myself with people that are supportive of the person that God created me to be.

Being a part of the Marianist Family has taught me a lot, it has taught me hospitality, the importance of a strong personal faith, the importance of a supportive and equal community, and also how to communicate discuss our faith while building a much deeper and intimate relationship with God.

If I had to pinpoint one reason why I was called to be here at the retreat center, it's that I needed to learn to be ok with who I am and what i enjoy doing. Beyond a few weeks a year in Texas. I needed to be fully aware of myself, what my needs are, what I want out of life, and not have to worry about other people's judgements or comments. I no longer feel like i'm living someone else's life,or like i'm following people around like a puppy dog. I am living for me, and for what is best for me. Honestly, i've never been happier, everything is going right and for that all I can say is, thanks... again.

Go Make a Difference

In preparing for our Heart of Winter retreat (invited students, much smaller group), I have been writing prayer services focused on social justice. The topic of social justice is not new to me, and I hope that it isn't new to most people. However, the approach of social justice and the specific topics being discussed is what is always changing.

I have to sit back and ask myself what does social justice mean to me? Social justice means fighting for something that you believe in, something that needs to change. There are so many issues that are evident in our society today that it is so difficult to narrow down what we should be fighting for. "Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes." That quote has always been on of my favorites, speak your mind, let our voices be heard. I feel like fighting for social justice needs to come from passion, if there is no emotion behind what you're fighting for, than there really is no point to the fight.

I want to go make a difference in the world, I want to leave a legacy, my own mark on this world. I know that legacy's don't happen over night, it takes baby steps and years of passionate dedication to a specific cause. What is my cause? What am I passionate about?

Peace.

Following Your Star

I've been back in NJ for almost 2 weeks. Christmas vacation was great! I got to spend a lot of quality with family and with Miriam. New Years was quite and personal, nothing crazy; a few friends, good dinner, champagne, coloring books and my <3.

Since having come home, it has been rough to say the least. I came back early on a Tuesday morning, so it was straight to work. The college aged retreat came in that Friday afternoon. It was a good weekend to start the year with. Our theme, was Following your star - a discernment retreat. Although I was staffing, and not technically a participant, I got just as much out of the weekend as the retreatants did. It was a great experience, and the group was fantastic. I got to meet a lot of the "legacy" families from the retreat center.

On the other hand, emotionally; I was struggling. I'm not sure if it was the cold, the distance, or the simple matter of distance that was getting to me, but each day was harder than the one before. Thankfully, I have been able to move past those thoughts and feelings and realize that I need to take full advantage of the time that I have here. These moments are temporary and before I know it I'll be back home with my family, my Alegra and of course back in the arms of my love.